The timing finally feels right. I finally feel like I've fully processed and am beginning to understand.. at least a little bit. So, Here I am to talk about Africa…or at least explain.
For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about- I went to Africa two summers ago(a lifetime dream) for a summer-long internship and I came home after 8 days there. I didn't talk very much about it after that…only to the people really, really close to me. But I finally feel ready enough to elaborate.
Truthfully, it's not a long, drawn-out, over complicated story. Bottom line: I fell to fear. I was scared and uncomfortable and had extreme anxiety being in a place so far away that didn't feel safe or comforting and I fell captive to those thoughts. Trust me when I say, whatever you are thinking of me right now, I've thought it 20 x's worse about myself for over a year. I was insecure about how I could help in a place that was covered in pain and poverty and sickness. I felt useless. I felt unworthy. I felt insufficient.
Yet again these are the confessions of falling to lies instead of focusing on the sustaining truths of my Savior. I should have listened and leaned in harder to the everlasting arms of the Lord.
Since I got home I have been through every stage of processing. I felt justified at first, then sad, then lonely, then misunderstood, then embarrassed, then angry, then shame and afraid… Which is why it has taken me a long time to write this blog. I've tried a hundred times but I've never gotten it all out until now.
But now, tonight, I'm not afraid to speak. I'm no longer scared to tell the truth because I am confident that my God can use me, a broken vessel, to speak, to move, to change. Even though I screwed up, and wasn't trusting, He continues to redeem. He continues to forgive. He continues to set me free.
So here I am. Step one: admitting it happened. telling my story.
Step two: apologizing. Because I owe an apology to the people I affected in this process. To the beautiful children and adults at Humble in Mukono, To Esther, To Blair, and to Ashley and Natalee- I am so sorry for leaving. I am so sorry for cutting our relationships too soon and I am so deeply sorry for not trusting you all either. I hope each of you can forgive me also for being selfish and inconsiderate. I think of you all so often and so dearly and hope to mend those relationships further over time.
Step three: Moving forward.
It's time. It's time to admit, apologize, and forgive myself so I can move on past the pain and regret. Because pain and regret only hinder me from fully following the Lord. And also because I want to be at a place where I look back on Africa with only fond memories. Where I look back and see only these beautiful faces who overwhelmed my heart with joy.
Or Where i think back to spending 8 days with the most incredible young women I've ever met. Two girls who love the Lord…deeply and fully. Two ladies I am grateful just to have met, to hae laughed with, cried with, prayed with and lived with.
This journey to Africa and back showed me a lot and took me on a journey with the Lord that I could've never imagined. But the cold hard truth is, Missions are hard. Following the Lord isn't easy. and We, his followers, his people just are not perfect. So I'm tired of reading books, watching videos and listening to people who make moving across the planet to live and serve sound like flying a kite. But what I have realized is that despite it's difficulties, the Lord will sustain. He will provide. The truth about Africa is that I missed a lot of beauty because I chose to see fear instead.
While, I will never be ready to joke about only being in Africa a short time, I do think I am finally able to talk about it. Openly, honestly, admitting my flaws in hopes that this vulnerability might somehow empower me while simultaneously bringing glory to a sustaining God.
But at the very least…I can finally start explaining Africa.
No comments:
Post a Comment